i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
