I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Randomize
