can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We need to get me chipped asap
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
