so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
