Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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