Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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