i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize