just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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