if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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