also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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