I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
