i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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