Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
