Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
