I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
