when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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