I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
