Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
