I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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