My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I think my nap took me to another dimension
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
