Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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