I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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