There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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