i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
