Someone shit on the floor
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
