I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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