my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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