I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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