note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm at about main and main street
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It's shark week go big or go home
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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