if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Randomize
