We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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