I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I touched a dick in church today
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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