I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
