Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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