just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize