1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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