Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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