i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
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