I have demons in me.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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