someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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