I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
