i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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