this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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