i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
