Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
