So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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