well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
