you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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