You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
