I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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