she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
