Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
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