That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
