The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
