Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
