so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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