Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I did not marry a roomba.
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