You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
