what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
