Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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