Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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