I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize