You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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