Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
