I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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